If anyone wants to take (another) shot at critiquing my draft query letter, a new version is below: have at it!
You're not obliged, of course. I thank anyone who has a comment to make, good or bad, and I understand completely if you would rather not comment at all. If you would like me to critique something for you in return, just ask; I would be delighted to.
Also, feel free to post anonymously if you really want to rip it up. I welcome (and listen to) all constructive criticism, even that which leaves my ego sobbing in the corner and double-fisting chocolate bonbons. :-)
My concerns: I don't have much sense of place here. I also, to quote from the very wise Conduit's comment on the Crapometer, don't really fill in all the elements of the "(Protagonist's Desire vs Antagonist's Counter-Desire = Conflict) x Plot = Story" equation. The problem is, there are various antagonists throughout the book who have significant counter-desires, but you never actually get to meet the Big Bad Wolf. I promise it works, because the MC has conflicts with nearly every human she runs across, including her side-kick. The Big Bad Wolf, on the other hand, doesn't even have a personality, which is why it stays on the sidelines.
Anything you want to add to my list of problems? Or advice on how to address these? I have tried to deal with the concerns expressed on the Crapometer but am unsure how successful I've been.
Thanks again for any comments you care to make; I very much appreciate them!
Dear (Agent name),
Allied with enemies and navigating a tangle of her own lies, a dark-hearted princess hitches her worst impulses to her best ones and finds the heart and potency to battle a demon.
(Personalised paragraph)
Rage curled a fist inside Katirin's heart the day she was forced into a convent so her half-sister could ascend the throne. When a fellow disciple convinces Katirin the convent's priestesses are possessed by a soul-stealing demon that threatens their nation, Katirin aims her rage: she vows to act like the queen she'll never be by killing the demon and saving her people from its predations.
Lies and blackmail cement her family's ire and get her out of the convent. Outright treason destroys her last chance at the throne but deposits Katirin in an enemy nation where she can find useful allies.
The first is a prince as sexy as he is dangerous; Arkadiy wants Katirin to assassinate her family in payment for his help. His carnal relish is offered free. The second is the wizard Lethan, who intends to use the demon to attack his fellow wizards. When he learns Katirin wants to destroy his means to power, Lethan's mercurial temper will turn murderous.
As Katirin dismantles her conscience to save her nation, she learns that a queen always sacrifices something of herself for her people, and that a throne taken away can also be earned back.
DARK HEIR is a 94,000 word fantasy. The full manuscript is available upon request and I have enclosed an SASE for your reply. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
6 comments:
Many agents prefer the genre and word count at the beginning.
One of the things I've tried to stick to when writing a query is trying to sum-up the plot in two paragraphs or less.
Protag wants X, because Y, but nasty Antagonist (or some opposing force) might not let P get it because of Z.
That's a basic formula, which I think I took off Miss Snark's once thriving blog.
So I think here, succinct is best. Pick one or two of these paragraphs and chop the rest. Don't worry about explaining the whole story...that's what a synopsis is for, remember? A query is just a fishhook trying to snag their eye. The snappier, the better.
Hi Jen,
Well this is pretty exciting -- to be at the query-polishing stage.
I feel so unqualified to comment since I know nothing of what agents seeking this genre are looking for in terms of content. How much is too much information when it comes to fantasy? I don't know! But I do agree with Josh -- if it were mine, I'd shorten it. I like that little overview paragraph you begin with followed by personal info -- am I understanding that right? Because I like that. And I suspect that being clear about what the simple CONFLICT is might be important for agents to see immediately, too -- however you can wrap that up.
You're such a beautiful writer, Jen. I think they're going to see that.
Setting aside the first para for a moment, I think this is a big improvement. You've cemented the Protag's desire very well, and she still comes across as an interesting character. I do miss an antagonist, though. Remember, as Robert McKee says, the antagonist doesn't have to be a specific person - it can be a group of people, an organisation, or even an idea. I think you come close in describing the demon, but a little light cast on that might clinch it? Don't take my word for that, though. It might be worth seeking input from someone who has read the book, as they might have enough objectivity to define what or who the antagonist is.
Coming back to the first para - I think that sounds really, really good in itself, and I would keep that to hand for when you need a really zingy description. BUT ... I don't feel it belongs at the start of this query.
One tiny point - I'm not sure about the word 'sexy' here. It's quite a modern word, and it seems out of place in a fantasy setting. Maybe think about substituting it for something like 'sensual'?
Hope that helps. :)
Hi Jen,
First, I tried to post this earlier but I got an error message after hitting 'publish', so I'm not sure if you received it the first time. If you got the first one, just disregard this - they're basically the same. I did a line edit for you, I hope it's helpful.
And, congratulations on getting to the query stage - when I get there I'll definitely be asking for opinions ;-)
My comments are bolded and in parenthesis:
Dear (Agent name),
(First, I agree with Bernita, basic information about the novel, such as title and word count, should be in the first paragraph. You can include it after your opening line or as an opening personalized paragraph to the agent.)
Allied with enemies and navigating a tangle of her own lies, a dark-hearted princess hitches her worst impulses to her best (ones – this may be a personal preference but the word ‘ones’ clanks for me. Maybe it just doesn’t match with the tone or isn’t lyrical enough for the rest of the sentence. What if you replaced it with ‘intentions’?) and finds the heart and potency to battle a demon.
(Personalised paragraph)
Rage curled a fist inside Katirin's heart the day she was forced into a convent so her half-sister could ascend the throne. When a fellow disciple convinces Katirin the convent's priestesses are possessed by a soul-stealing demon ( that threatens their nation – you can cut this phrase – it’s implied), Katirin aims her rage: she vows to act like the queen she'll never be (by killing the demon and saving her people from its predations. – I would reword this bit – generally overuse of conjunctions implies that the description is weak. If you use fewer, but stronger, words it will give the image more pop and bring the reader into the scene. Check the first paragraph, too. Peppered, run on sentences can get the job done fine but two strong sentences which bring to life your antagonist might work better.)
Lies and blackmail cement her family's ire and get her out of the convent. Outright treason destroys her last chance at the throne but deposits Katirin in an enemy nation where she can find useful allies.(I would cut the rest, you don’t need each of these characters listed in the query. Instead you might want to add one or two vivid sentences about your main character’s growth through the novel.)
Squealy Squeals of Squealfullness!
Thank you everyone; all of these comments are fantastic and so very helpful!
Josh and Claud?
*salutes* Yes, sir and ma'am, I shall strive to make it shorter. I do see how that would help. I also agree with you both that I still need to work on getting my conflict across better. Thank you!
Conduit and Bernita?
*nods* I shall shift my beginning around so the basic information is up front. I was already debating with myself whether I should. Thank you!
Conduit and Merry?
Squeal! Thank you so much for your very detailed comments. Those are so helpful! I will attack this monster again with all your very wise suggestions in mind. Those are awesome.
Again, thank you so much, everyone! You've all given such great comments and I really appreciate you taking the time to leave them.
I won't post the revised version of the query here, since I don't want to bore you, but I will link to it when I get it done.
Cheers,
Jen
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