EDIT: There's a rewritten version of the pitch in the comments, if anyone wishes to take another look.
'Tis only natural after doing Goblin's Crucible and writing up my thoughts about it that I would rework my own pitch. After all, that's why the subject was on my brain in the first place; I needed to do this.
Thinking carefully about someone else's work, and then trying to explain your reactions clearly, is one of the best ways I know of to give yourself to a deeper understanding of any subject, so I sincerely thank everyone who participated in the Crucible, because I really do think that experience helped me a lot.
But as usual, I can't tell if my own writing is succeeding at what I set out to do. If any of you are up for a spot of critiquing, here's your opportunity to strike back at the Goblin!
Below is my new pitch. If you're willing to donate a bit of your time and energy, I would love to hear your thoughts on it. Does it make sense? Does it work as a pitch? What do you think could be made stronger?
As always, I am completely open to constructive criticism, so don't hesitate to leave negative comments; I appreciate those also! Thank you very much to anyone willing to let me know what they think, good or bad.
Katirin is smart, courageous, and bold, but she's also a princess of such intensely embarrassing parentage her family forced her into a convent to get her out of the royal succession. Katirin can't think of any fate worse than becoming one of the convent's bland and blissful priestesses, women who share a communal mind, speak on behalf of the god, and do little except sing.
Or rather, she can't think of a fate worse until Esfirre, a fellow disciple, tells Katirin the priestesses aren't the god's mouthpiece at all--they're empty husks puppeteered by a demon. If Katirin and Esfirre don't find a way out of the convent, the demon will devour their souls.
For Katirin, however, escaping telepathic priestesses and an irate nobility isn't enough--not when she can see the demon's predation will one day destroy the nation she should have ruled. Katirin is determined to stop the creature, but she needs to answer one question first--how can you kill a demon that lives in a thousand bodies?